I am keeping this entry as part of an ongoing record: lived experience, spiritual inquiry, and the patient work of finding language for what moves between the visible and the unseen.
I’ve been struggling to focus on the things I truly want to work on, and the way it’s been happening has been almost torturous. It’s like I’m trapped in this limbo, half-heartedly lingering by my computer, caught between doing nothing and aimlessly scrolling through news media. And the media itself—what I’ve seen so far—has been wild, overwhelming in ways I can’t fully describe.
Aside from that, there’s the project with Suno and trying to get an album done, but even that has been a challenge. There’s this looming sense of something more than just procrastination—something deeper, something spiritual. I can discern a kind of spiritual attack at play, one that doesn’t just distract me but actively works against my ability to create. It’s a force that half-paralyzes me, keeping me from working in a way that feels unnatural, like an unseen weight pressing against my will.
But the worst of it isn’t just the resistance—it’s what certain spiritual forces seem to be attaching to my actions. Sometimes, when they latch onto what I’m doing, I feel like I can’t move forward at all. It’s as if those actions are no longer mine, or they become tainted with something I don’t want to carry. And then, there’s the other side of it—things that should be easy, simple physical actions, yet they too have been burdened with spiritual weight, making them uncomfortable or unnatural to experience.
It’s exhausting, feeling like every step forward comes with some invisible resistance, like I’m constantly having to fight off something I never invited in the first place. More than anything, I’m tired—tired of the way these spiritual interferences attach themselves to my work, tired of feeling like I have to navigate through layers of unseen obstacles just to do the things I once enjoyed. It’s not just about discipline or motivation; it’s about reclaiming the space to create without these unseen forces pressing in on me. And that, right now, feels like the hardest part.
There is a lot of upside, and I remind myself of that often. I am safe—at least physically—thanks to my family and other forms of support that have been there for me. Beyond that, I know there is immense potential in what I can do, and more importantly, there is hope. Hope in this process, in the journey, in what I know of heaven and the good that exists beyond the struggles I face. That hope is what keeps me steady, even when things feel like they’re unraveling.
I just want to make it clear why I’ve been struggling to work. It’s is a case of procrastination and lack of discipline for some of it no doubt, but there is also more to it than that. A lot of bad things have happened to me—some in the past, but some that continue daily in smaller but still exhausting ways. These experiences compound, making it harder to engage with my work the way I want to. It’s not just external obstacles; it’s internal ones too. My desire to work has been completely eroded, almost burned out, by everything I’ve been through. When people say, “Just go get a job,” they don’t understand the weight of what I’ve already endured. It’s easy to give advice from the outside, but they haven’t lived in this process, in this battle, like I have.
Yes, explaining these things can be seen as a coping mechanism—a way of defending myself against judgment—but the truth runs much deeper than that. The real reason I find it difficult to work is because I’ve found most things in life to be difficult. Even something as simple as moving around the house, an act that should be effortless, has become something else entirely—something burdensome, something laced with unseen struggles that others can’t perceive.
The decision not to seek traditional employment isn’t as simple as a lack of willpower or effort. It’s a complex interplay of mental illness and intense spiritual interference that have significantly impacted my ability to function in ways that others take for granted.
- Mental Illness as a Barrier
My mental health has been a major factor in this. It’s not just about having bad days—it’s about persistent, debilitating struggles that make even the most routine tasks feel insurmountable. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges aren’t just “mindsets” that I can shake off; they are real conditions that shape my daily existence. The emotional exhaustion alone can make consistent work nearly impossible. - Spiritual Interference and Opposition
Beyond mental health, there has been an undeniable spiritual dimension to my struggles. I have faced spiritual attacks that don’t just affect my emotions but actively interfere with my actions. It’s not just about lacking motivation—it’s about an unseen force working against me, making me hesitant, fatigued, and, at times, fearful. These attacks have not only threatened my peace but have also placed direct obstacles in the path of my ability to work. - Threats and Ongoing Challenges
Seeking employment in a traditional sense would mean exposing myself to an environment where these spiritual threats and attacks could intensify. There’s a certain vulnerability in engaging with the world when I am already struggling to maintain stability in my own space. It’s not simply a matter of “pushing through”; it’s about understanding the depth of the battle I’m in and making choices that preserve my well-being. - The Nature of My Work and Calling
Employment is not just about making money—it’s about being in the right place, doing something that aligns with who I am and what I am capable of in my current state. Right now, my work isn’t about fitting into a conventional job structure; it’s about surviving, healing, and creating in ways that don’t break me further. - The Mismatch Between Me and the Job Market
Even if I were to attempt traditional employment, there are major incompatibilities between my needs and what most jobs demand.
Rigid Schedules Do Not Accommodate My Condition – Some days I wake up and can barely move forward, while other days I can be productive. Traditional jobs expect consistent performance, which I cannot guarantee.
Social Demands Can Be Overwhelming – Many jobs require constant interaction, teamwork, and handling difficult social situations, which can be difficult when struggling with mental health and spiritual burdens.
Lack of Jobs that Align with My Capabilities – Even if I wanted to work, the available jobs may not fit my skillset, energy levels, or personal limitations. The reality is that not all work environments are suited to people dealing with what I am experiencing.
6. The Unseen Costs of Employment for Someone Like Me
Getting a job isn’t just about earning money—it comes with additional challenges that could make things worse for me rather than better.
Emotional Toll – Trying to force myself into a job I am not prepared for could set me back mentally and emotionally, worsening my condition.
Physical Exhaustion – The stress of working while dealing with my internal struggles could push me to burnout.
Financial Traps – Some jobs don’t pay enough to actually improve my situation, and the cost of commuting, work-related expenses, and stress-related health issues could outweigh the benefits.
People often say, “You just need to push through,” but what they fail to understand is that pushing through is what I do every single day just to survive. Forcing myself into something that isn’t aligned with where I am right now would not be a solution—it would be another burden.
7. I Am Working—Just in a Different Way
Just because I am not traditionally employed does not mean I am doing nothing. I am engaged in a deep personal and spiritual process, one that requires energy, focus, and resilience in ways that are difficult to articulate to those who haven’t experienced it.
I Am Healing – Healing is work. It requires time, effort, and self-awareness.
I Am Creating – Whether it’s through music, writing, or other creative outlets, I am working on something meaningful.
I Am Navigating a Complex Reality – The things I deal with daily would exhaust most people, and yet I am still here, still moving forward in the ways that I can.
The idea that “getting a job” is the universal solution to struggle is an oversimplification. My situation is nuanced, and the challenges I face are not easily dismissed with a simple “just go do it” mentality. The truth is, I am working—just not in the way that is typically recognized.
I am navigating a difficult, layered reality where mental illness, spiritual struggles, past experiences, and personal limitations all intersect. I am moving forward in the best way I can, in a way that ensures I am still standing tomorrow. And that, in itself, is a form of work.
One day, when the time is right, I will take the next steps. But for now, I ask for understanding rather than judgment, for support rather than dismissal. This is not an excuse—it’s my reality.
I know this hasn’t always been the case, and it isn’t always the case now—if it even is at all in certain moments—thanks to the protective measures the good have taken. They’ve worked to safeguard me, this process, and others connected to my guideship, ensuring that I’m not entirely lost to these interferences. Still, the impact lingers, and navigating through it continues to be one of my greatest challenges.