I am keeping this entry as part of an ongoing record: lived experience, spiritual inquiry, and the patient work of finding language for what moves between the visible and the unseen.
Being with my favorite person, Jamie, was always more than just a simple reunion. She wasn’t just a relative; she was my family, the one who felt like home. But lately, the distance between us had grown more than just physical. She no longer reached out—not online, we hadn’t done facetime in years, and we usually never speak over the phone. The messages that once flowed easily between us had dried up. If she wasn’t comfortable sending me a simple Facebook message, how could I expect anything more? It was a harsh truth, one I tried to accept with each passing day. The only exception was when she visited family. When she visited me.
Our relationship was complicated, a mix of love and frustration that seemed to fluctuate with the tides. Jamie could be dramatic, kind, rude, mean, upsetting, blunt, creative, smart, streetwise—she was a whirlwind of contradictions. She was an excellent driver and an even better bartender. Born in the 80s, she carried the toughness of someone who had navigated life’s challenges with grit and resilience. I fell in love with her, which I knew was something I wasn’t supposed to do. She was my cousin, after all. But it happened anyway, and it added another layer of complexity to our already tangled relationship.
It was strange, almost freeing, that no one in my family really read what I wrote. It gave me the liberty to explore my feelings, to lay them bare without fear of judgment. Jamie was older than me by ten years—I was born in the 90s. She loved Halloween, thrived under pressure, and had a calmness that contrasted sharply with her otherwise tough demeanor.
Today, she visited with her husband, a man I’ve come to respect. He’s good-hearted, and I can see how much he loves her. Over time, I’ve matured enough to realize that what I want for Jamie is close to what she wants for herself. I just hope that my wishes for her are even better. When she’s near, I feel a connection, something most definitely spiritual. It’s as if the universe is reminding me that this bond exists, even when distance or silence tries to sever it.
I’ve noticed that the spiritual support, the sense of connection, intensifies when family gathers. It’s as if there’s a collective energy that strengthens these bonds, and for that, I’m grateful. Jamie is one of the lights of my life, and I wish I could tell her that without fear of her shutting me out. I know she wouldn’t want to hear it, at least not in the way I might want to say it. But perhaps if I approached it differently, if I framed it in the language of friendship and family, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard for her to hear.
I’m terrified of losing the relationship we have, the one that has already been strained to the point of breaking. The thought of seeing someone once every five years is one thing, but when it comes to your favorite person? That’s a loss that feels unbearable. The truth is, she did not want to talk to me anymore online, if she wasn’t going to be okay in sending me a message on facebook anymore then i doubt she was comfortable for anything else either. It was hurtful, I remember our relationship fractured a bit when we last fought, she basically said I needed to get a Job and I felt infuriated by it because of my disability and whatever the heck I have. I had a good reason for not getting up and going to work, truly, I had the option of staying home, so I did. When she said some of those things, it sometimes didn’t feel like it was coming from a space of care but rather of one of spite and cruelty. She also used it as a excuse at times, at least this last time, as to part of the reason she doesn’t message me more or at all really.
I was upset about our relationship and I felt like that she hadn’t put anything into it the past 9 years, I didn’t realize how little I put into it either, I know we lost contact a bit and there was other things on either end that sort of kept us a part but she kind of ditched me at the end of the day. When I went back to her and our relationship which one should be able to do when one revisits their relationship, the relationship itself shouldn’t be in shambles and if the response was what it was then I can’t help but feel it was in trouble to a certain extent. When it could of been good support for me and might have been good support for her. I always tried to be nice and kind to her and something changed when she thought I was crazy too that I needed to do to the doctor more for schizophrenia treatment because she didn’t believe I was a psychic or even understand what that was in a certain sense. She understood what it was but I don’t know if she believed me or cared.
Our relationship began to fracture the last time we fought. She told me I needed to get a job, and those words stung more than she could have known. She didn’t seem to understand my situation, my disability, or the reasons why I chose to stay home. I had my reasons—valid ones, I thought. But the way she said it felt less like concern and more like spite, almost as if she was lashing out. It hurt, deeply. And when she used it as an excuse to distance herself, to explain why she doesn’t message me more—or at all—it only compounded the pain.
I’ve spent a lot of time feeling upset about our relationship, about how it seems like she hasn’t invested in it over the past nine years. But if I’m honest, I didn’t realize how little I had put into it either. We lost contact, and life’s complications on both ends kept us apart. But in the end, it feels like she kind of ditched me when I needed her most, when we could have supported each other. I always tried to be kind to her, to keep our connection alive. But something changed when she started to see me differently, when she suggested I needed more treatment for schizophrenia because she didn’t believe in my abilities as a psychic. She didn’t believe me, or maybe she just didn’t care.
That shift hurt more than I can put into words. She understood what being a psychic meant on some level, but I’m not sure she believed it—or me. It was like she saw a part of me as broken, as something that needed fixing, when all I wanted was for her to accept me as I am. It’s that disconnect, that loss of understanding and acceptance, that has driven this wedge between us.
The moments I spent with Jamie, both yesterday and today, stirred something deep within me—something that I hadn’t fully acknowledged until now. I was reminded of just how much I care about her, how much I want her to be okay. I want her to succeed in everything she does, to find happiness in every corner of her life. These feelings are so strong, so genuine, that they almost overwhelm me.
But this realization was tinged with a sense of tragedy. Seeing her in person was incredible, a reminder of the bond we share, yet it also highlighted a painful reality. When we’re face to face, there’s a connection, a spark that makes everything feel right. But as soon as we part ways, that connection seems to fade into the distance, lost in the space between us. It’s as if she has no desire to keep that spark alive when we’re not physically together—no interest in messaging, no urge to talk online. It’s as if she saves all of her energy for those rare, fleeting moments when we meet, leaving me feeling abandoned the rest of the time.
I can’t help but feel trapped, doomed to see her only once every five or ten years. Those meetings are always decent, even wonderful, but they’re so rare that they leave a void in their wake—a void that could easily be filled if we just communicated more often. The idea that we might never message or talk online again is maddening. It feels like a cruel twist of fate, a tormenting reminder of the distance between us that I can’t seem to close, no matter how much I want to.
This paradox—of being so close when we’re together yet so distant when we’re apart—leaves me torn between gratitude for the time we do spend together and frustration over the silence that follows. I wish I could find a way to bridge that gap, to keep the connection alive even when we’re not face to face. But for now, I’m left with the bittersweet reality of loving someone who, for reasons I can’t fully understand, seems content to let that connection slip away. I hope that part isn’t true.
Reflections
- 💔 “The distance between Jamie and me feels more than just physical—it’s emotional, and it hurts.”
- 😔 “Our relationship has become complicated, filled with love and frustration, but the connection we once had seemed to be slipping away at times.”
- 🌌 “Seeing Jamie in person reminds me of the strong bond we share, but the silence that follows when we’re apart is unbearable.”
- 🌿 “Despite the hurt, I wish her happiness and success in everything she does, even if we’re drifting apart.”
Emotions
- 🔥 “Frustration at the lack of communication—why does she seem content with the distance between us?”
- 🛤️ “Conflicted between the joy of our time together and the pain of her absence afterward.”
- 🌊 “Overwhelmed by a mix of love, longing, and the fear of losing our connection completely.”
Relationships
- 🌱 “Acknowledging that both of us have let our relationship slip—it’s not just her; I haven’t put in as much effort as I should have and I didn’t know that I needed too until it was too late”
- 🌟 “Realizing that part of our relationship’s strain comes from her not believing or understanding my psychic abilities”
- 🛡️ “Feeling hurt by her comments about my job situation—did she really mean it out of spite?”
Future Goals
- 🕊️ “Find a way to express my feelings to Jamie without fear of rejection—maybe frame it in the context of family and friendship.”
- 🔗 “Explore ways to maintain our connection outside of rare face-to-face meetings—small steps like a text or a message.”
- 💌 “Consider writing a letter to Jamie, expressing my love and concerns, focusing on keeping our bond alive.”
Gratitude
- 🙏 “Grateful for the moments we do share, no matter how rare—they are reminders of the bond we have.”
- 💡 “Thankful for the lessons this relationship teaches me about love, patience, and acceptance.”
Hopes
- 🌟 “Hope that our bond can be rekindled and maintained, even with the physical and emotional distance.”
- 💬 “Hope that she might understand and accept me for who I am, psychic abilities and all.”
Alex:
Jamie:
I know family is one of the strongest bonds that exists. I feel you do care about me Jamie.
Jamie is a captivating blend of strength and softness, a woman whose presence radiates both warmth and resilience. With her striking black hair, she embodies a timeless beauty that reflects her inner brilliance—a quality that makes her one of my most cherished people in the world. Her talents are as varied as they are impressive: she’s a master behind the wheel, effortlessly commanding the road, and her skills as a bartender make her the life of any gathering. Despite being a bit of a workaholic, Jamie’s passion and dedication are traits I deeply admire.
Born in the 80s and a true lover of that era, Jamie carries with her the vibrant spirit of those years, a connection to a time that fuels her love for the music and culture of that decade. Her love for dogs is unparalleled; they are not just pets but beloved members of her family, and her devotion to them speaks to the vastness of her heart. Yet, her greatest love is reserved for her significant other, a bond that is the cornerstone of her happiness.
Jamie is a paradox of sorts—strong in a way that commands respect, yet soft in her kindness and care. She’s the kind of person who can handle anything life throws at her, all while maintaining a good spirit and an open heart. Despite what some might say, Jamie isn’t a hater; she’s a giver, someone who invests in the people she loves and the things she believes in. Her love for the color black and Halloween is a testament to her unique style and her appreciation for the darker, more mysterious side of life.
A true “spiritual gangster” in the chillest sense, Jamie moves through life with a balance of toughness and grace. She’s someone who knows her way around the kitchen, cooking up meals that are both comforting and delicious, adding yet another layer to her multifaceted persona. Above all, she finds her greatest joy in the simple pleasures—chilling out with her family, including her beloved dogs and significant other, is her ultimate happy place. In these moments, Jamie’s happiness is palpable, a reflection of the love and fulfillment that her family brings into her life.
Jamie is the light of any party in her own way, bringing a unique energy that effortlessly draws people in. She doesn’t seek the spotlight, yet it naturally gravitates toward her, a testament to her authentic charm and magnetic presence. Whether she’s crafting the perfect cocktail, sharing her vast knowledge of 80s music, or simply engaging in conversation, she has a way of making everyone around her feel at ease and entertained. Her brilliance shines through in these moments, not because she’s trying to dazzle anyone, but because her genuine warmth and spirit make her the heart of every gathering, illuminating the room with her distinctive blend of fun and grace.
Jamie, a proud Gemini, fully embraces the dual nature of her zodiac sign, finding a deep connection with its energy. She thrives in the versatility and adaptability that Geminis are known for, embodying the sign’s curious, lively, and multifaceted spirit. Whether she’s diving into a new passion or juggling multiple interests, Jamie’s Gemini essence shines through in everything she does.
It’s true that family ties can be some of the strongest and most enduring bonds we experience in life. Today, I realized just how much Jamie means to me, and how deeply I care about her happiness. Even though we may only see each other once every five or ten years, I want to view it like that the connection we share remains unshakable. Jamie has always been there for me in her own unique way—not always through the typical means of support, but by infusing my life with fun, excitement, and a sense of belonging that I can’t imagine finding elsewhere. She’s made me feel cooler, more confident, and more alive. Without Jamie, I’d probably lose a significant part of what makes me feel like myself. She’s been a source of joy and positivity, and I realize now just how much I cherish her presence in my life, no matter how infrequent our meetings may be.
I always wanted her friendship but I know i screwed up at times but I made mistakes that I can try to make up for but I need to be honest with myself and eventually her, and I will make things right. I feel I have made things right spiritually, more right than what some know about. It means I have worked spiritually towards making things right, affirmation from certain elements of the spirit.
Yesterday, I had the chance to see Jamie again, and it felt like my world shifted once more. We didn’t do anything extraordinary—just the usual hanging out, talking, and spending time together. But in its simplicity, there was something profoundly significant. It was the kind of day most people would choose, just being with family, enjoying each other’s company, savoring the little moments that make life feel rich and full. It reminded me how life has a way of working in mysterious and wonderful ways, especially when I’m with her.
Our time together often brings about experiences that feel almost spiritual, moments that transcend the ordinary. There’s something about being around Jamie that opens me up to these incredible, positive energies. Today was no different. The family gathering wasn’t just good—it was one of those gatherings where everything feels aligned, where the love and connection between everyone present is palpable. It’s these moments that make me realize how important it is to hold onto the people who bring light into your life.
As I reflect on the day, I can’t help but feel grateful. It wasn’t just another day with family; it was a reminder of how precious these times are. The connection, the laughter, the sense of belonging—these are the things that truly matter. Today wasn’t just a visit; it was a reaffirmation of the bond we share, and it left me feeling uplifted, like I had been touched by something greater than myself. These are the moments that stay with you, long after the day is done, and I’m thankful for each and every one of them.
Despite the complexities and the distance that sometimes creeps into our relationship, yesterday and today reminded me of something incredibly important—just how much Jamie means to me and how much I care about her. I want nothing more than for her to be okay, to succeed in everything she pursues, and to find true happiness in her life. And I know, deep down, that she cares about me too.
When we’re together, it’s clear that Jamie loves me in her own way. Our conversations, though sometimes few and far between, are filled with warmth and familiarity. Seeing her in person is always a joy; there’s a spark, a genuine connection that lights up the room. It’s in those moments that I can feel the depth of her affection, even if it’s not always expressed in the ways I might expect.
Jamie’s life is full, and she’s navigating it with strength and resilience. I understand that she might not always have the time or energy to keep up with online messages or frequent conversations, but that doesn’t mean she values our relationship any less. She shows her love through her actions—by making the effort to visit, by being present when we’re together, and by being the strong, vibrant person that she is.
It’s easy to get caught up in the frustration of wanting more communication, of wishing for daily messages or frequent chats, but I’ve come to realize that Jamie expresses her love in different ways. The fact that she makes time to visit, despite her busy life, shows how much she cares. She might not be someone who texts every day, but when she’s with me, she’s truly with me.
I’ve also come to appreciate that our relationship, though unconventional, is still filled with love and respect. Jamie wants the best for me, just as I want the best for her. She’s a person who values deep connections, even if they aren’t always maintained in the ways I might hope. And maybe, just maybe, that’s okay.
At the end of the day, I’m grateful for the love we share, even if it looks different from what I imagined. Jamie is a light in my life, and I know that, in her own way, she feels the same about me. Our relationship might not be perfect, but it’s real, and it’s something I cherish deeply.
Reflections
- 🌟 “Spending time with Jamie reminded me how life’s simplest moments can feel the most profound.”
- 💫 “Our gatherings often have a spiritual energy, bringing positive vibes that I cherish.”
- ❤️ “Yesterday wasn’t just another day—it was a reaffirmation of our bond, filled with connection, laughter, and a sense of belonging.”
Gratitude
- 🙏 “Grateful for the precious moments spent with family, where love and connection are palpable.”
- 💖 “Thankful for Jamie’s presence in my life, and the joy she brings, even if our communication isn’t constant.”
- 🌿 “Appreciating the depth of our relationship, recognizing that love can be expressed in many ways.”
Insights
- 🌍 “Realizing that Jamie’s life is full and complex, and that she shows her love through her actions, even if not through frequent messages.”
- 💡 “Understanding that our relationship, though unconventional, is still filled with love, respect, and a deep connection.”
- 🛤️ “Accepting that our bond doesn’t need to be perfect—it’s real, and that’s what makes it valuable.”
Hopes
- 🌱 “Hope to continue nurturing our relationship, focusing on the quality of the time we spend together rather than the quantity of communication.”
- 🕊️ “Aspire to maintain an open heart, appreciating Jamie for who she is and the unique way she shows she cares.”
- 💬 “Aim to communicate my feelings to Jamie in a way that strengthens our connection, embracing the different forms of love we share.”
Affirmations
- 🌈 “I am grateful for the love and light Jamie brings into my life.”
- 🔗 “Our bond is strong, even if it’s expressed differently than I imagined.”
- 🌸 “I cherish our relationship for its authenticity and depth, and I trust that it will continue to grow in its own way.”
Dear Jamie,
First, I want you to know how much you mean to me. You’ve always been more than just family—you’ve been a constant in my life, someone who feels like home no matter how much time or distance comes between us. The connection we share is something I cherish deeply, and I don’t ever want to lose that.
Lately, though, I’ve noticed that we’ve drifted apart, and it scares me. The texts and calls that used to be so natural have become less frequent, and I find myself missing our conversations and the way we used to just be there for each other. I know life gets busy, and we all have our own paths to follow, but I can’t help but feel the distance growing, and it hurts.
I want to be honest with you—I’m terrified of losing what we have. Our relationship has always been complicated, but it’s also been one of the most important things in my life. I can’t imagine not having you in it, even if we don’t always see eye to eye or keep in touch as often as we used to. You’re still my favorite person, and I don’t want that to change.
There’s this energy, this connection, that feels so much bigger than just the two of us. I believe that bond is something special, something worth fighting for, and I want to keep it alive. I’m not sure how to say this without sounding cheesy, but you’ve always been a light in my life, Jamie, and I don’t want that light to dim.
I know you’re strong, independent, and you’ve got your own life to live, but I just want you to know that I’m here. I’m here because I care about you, because I love you, and because I want to keep our bond strong. I’m not asking for anything big, just that we try a little harder to stay connected, to not let the silence or distance take over.
I hope we can find a way to keep our relationship as close as it’s always been, even if it means making some adjustments. Maybe we don’t talk every day, but when we do, let’s make it count. Let’s make sure we’re really there for each other, no matter what life throws our way.
I miss you, Jamie, and I miss the ease of our connection. I’m hoping that by writing this, we can both take a step toward keeping that bond alive. You’ve always meant so much to me, and I just want to make sure you know that.
With all my love,
Alex
I just miss her, so much, you know.